Another change...last entry

This is it, for now. My last entry. For ten months I’ve written about the changes, both physical and emotional, that I’ve faced in an attempt to amp up my life, become healthier in body and in spirit. And much has changed. Yet, I’m only a few pounds lighter. I’m in better shape, sure, but only up to a mile or two around the neighborhood. I do eat healthier. But truly, the most profound changes have come from the inside. My way of thinking, my way of feeling, is different. I’m more present. More aware of what I’m doing, and why. Less judgmental and more able to let go. I no longer feel as though I need to solve all of the problems of the world – though sometimes I still try. I simply feel more at peace with whatever comes my way. And that is a profound change that has fueled everything else in my life. Writing about all of these things, here, on this site, have helped me to make sense of all the changes I’ve experienced. It’s helped me to see where I started and where I want to go. And I know, that just because the blog is ending – another change – doesn’t mean my personal work will end. There is much I want to do and learn and changes will always be a part of life. Now, I know I can embrace them.

Conscious changes kicking in

Threw a Halloween party this weekend and noticed a couple of changes: I had no problem making a healthy, good tasting meal and I didn’t overeat.

You know, that uncomfortable feeling you get when you’ve snacked all day and filled up without even realizing it or took that second portion even when you weren’t hungry just for the taste of it? I cooked all day (yes, my body rebelled with severe pain and stiffness that forced me to rest all day Sunday, but it was worth it) Instead of nibbling my way through the preparations, I waited for dinner and then I ate the salad first and felt no need to over indulge on the pasta. I ate normal portion sizes, felt full and comfortable. But the biggest shift was in my head. It was only later that I realized this moderate style of eating has become the norm. I’ve made the change. I decided long ago to eat what I wanted but to include more healthy foods and smaller portions in my diet. Now, I realize I’ve met that goal and it’s becoming second nature rather than work. The change is finally becoming the norm and that is a powerful feeling.

Learning to let go

Feeling slow this week. Lots of little stresses have surfaced. Need a new roof, still waiting on lab results from the mole. Husband dealing with challenges and work and I’m feeling like nothing has come easy. I’m out of the flow. And, true to my nature, I’m trying to control the Universe instead of learning the lesson and letting go. The more stressed life gets, the more I attempt to micro-manage my household and the daily tasks. I become more controlling and feisty at home – not good for the relationship. I have a hard time focusing on work and generally, I’m tense and even a little scared. "If you don't handle it all," my mind tells me, "the world will fall apart." And I buy into that false mantra and busy myself with things that don't need taking care of. And the stress I feel definitely amps up the arthritis with pain and fatigue. But, this isn't working for me anymore, so now I'm learning to surrender to the circumstance. I’ve become more mindful. I’ve meditated. I’ve taken care of the things I can influence and given up the others – like when is that darn doctor going to call – and today I’m feeling energized and back in rhythm despite pushing a stroller around the zoo all day yesterday (a task that would usually leave me stiff and hurting). I'm learning.

Heading for a check up

In 13 minutes I will get in my Mazda and drive across town to my dermatologist. There, she will spend an hour scouring every inch of my skin, scrutinizing every mole, every age spot. She’s checking for cancer. Last year, two moles, turned bad. Though they were only a few millimeters thick, it was enough to worry doctors. They cut the moles out. Then, they cut into my groin and pulled out a couple of lymph nodes for testing. I waited 10 days before finding out the lymph nodes were free from cancer. The cancer had not spread. I’m o.k. and more than willing now, to go let someone work over my skin to insure my good health. It was an interesting time – scary sure – but it also prompted me to look at my body in a whole new way. The arthritis has ravaged it, but to be honest, I rarely think about it. The RA is something I know. It’s something I’ve learned to manage. It won’t kill me and though it hampers some of my activities, it never stops me. To have something growing in me that could turn deadly made it hard to breathe some days. Now, I look at the scars along my knee with gratitude. They got the melanoma, and I got a chance to make better, healthier choices

Fast food, little fuss

I love fast food – not so much for the flavor and certainly not for it’s nutritional contents, but, well because it’s fast. Some nights I need fast, with few dishes and little fuss. And I’m finding healthy foods I can cook quickly.

Fish. Tuesday I sprinkled salt pepper, garlic powder, red pepper flakes on some pieces of tilapia – threw them on a baking sheet covered in foil to minimize the clean-up and with a little broccoli steamed in the microwave had a healthy meal in about 10 minutes. I was so proud of myself. It was so easy to eat healthy, and so much faster actually, than commuting in rush hour traffic to pick up a soggy taco. The meal reminded me that I have to be a little more creative and continue developing new beliefs about food. Cooking doesn’t have to be hard, if you fill the freezer and the fridge with the right foods. With the broiled fish, we had little clean up. A healthy – even good tasting -- meal at our own table. Slowly, things are changing around here. We’ll still go out to eat – sure. But, there are plenty of ways to cook a meal without spending an hour in the kitchen. A year ago, I would have had a hard time recognizing that.

Cutting the chaos

Felt some stress this week. Juggling too many things – family issues, work, daycare and all the household family responsibilities that we all have. It got to me. I had trouble sleeping. My pain was more intense. I felt hungry all the time, though my stomach was also upset. And it hit me: this kind of life chaos is one of my obstacles. When I wrote about ways to make lasting changes in January’s edition of Arthritis Today one thing I noted was the importance of identifying and preparing for obstacles. Obstacles will come up, say the experts. Those who are committed to change, plan for them ahead of time and put a coping mechanism in place before they ever come up. Life is filled with crazy, unpredictable moments that can thwart your efforts to eat well and exercise or do the other things that are good for you. I know, that for me, too much noise in life – too much craziness, busyness, messiness, – can cause me to stop making healthy choices. I need moments of silence. When I can be still in mind and in spirit. When I can stop and give thanks, breathe and come back into myself. I did that this morning. I got up before the others. Drank coffee in silence. Did not read. Did not watch t.v. Did not look over my “To Do” list. I sat quietly, drank my coffee, and when it was gone, I sat still. I gave thanks. I prayed. I rested. And after 15 minutes I felt renewed.

Thinking differently about food

Picked blackberries yesterday. These were the plump sweet kind that sprung from bushes taller than me and grew on thornless stems which made for ideal picking. But what struck me is how much energy even basic tasks like blackberry picking require. I walked up and down the rows. I stooped and stretched. I was moving the whole two hours. Afterwards, my joints were sore, but I felt exhilarated. And another thing happened: When I was on the farm, I saw the chickens and goats and corn and tomatoes and I made a deeper connection to the place where my food comes from. It is so easy to overeat and even waste food – to continually take too much – when you are not thinking about the animals and the people and the elements of Mother Nature that have to come together just right provide your meal. And there in the warmth of the early fall with a rooster crowing in the distance, I felt connected to my food in a different way. I felt grateful for all that I have – which is always enough. And I realized, more deeply, that food is there to nourish me. That sacrifices are made so that I can easily have that nourishment for my body. Food is there to strengthen my body and yet, somewhere along the way I also turned eating into a form of recreation. Perhaps if I appreciate my food more and focus on it as a source of fuel that energizes my body instead of trying to shovel as much junk in my mouth as possible, I’ll find it easier to make healthy eating choices. Yesterday, I had the best blackberries I ever tasted. I ate them one at a time off the vine and gave thanks.

Amping up the energy

I’m on a roll this week. Something about September – maybe it’s all those years of living on the school calendar – but when the month rolls around, I feel like it’s almost a new year. A fresh start. And I find myself re-motivated this week. The sun is out, so that doesn’t hurt, but I’m meditating again diligently, and eating healthily. It’s even easy to do right now. Though I’m choosing to eat whatever I want, I find myself easily gravitating toward the healthier choices and smaller portions and I’m picking up a bit of the momentum I lost during the busy summer months. Seems that one thing leads to another. When I’m eating well, I want to continue to on that path.
And I’m amping up the activity in my day. Feels good. We’ll see how it goes.

Tired from play

Today we went to the park and simply playing in the playground and getting up and down from the sandbox, wiping, lifting, hauling gear, left me feeling sore. Even the times when my daughter played independently, I found myself standing on hard cement, supervising from a distance. But standing for hours on end, and taking part in the other activities – just basic play – have worn me out and left me feeling discouraged. The last thing I want to do now is exercise. It’s been tough trying to maintain and do the things I want and need to do during the course of my regular day AND still feel good enough to exercise. Am I making excuses to get out of the a regular exercise routine? Am I weak? Some days maybe, but most days are so busy that my body literally sends off alarms by shooting pain through every joint telling me to slow down. Maybe this winter, I will consider swimming, which is not my thing, but may be more comfortable than a walk around the neighborhood on the days when my joints have had enough.

Leche lifts and other workouts

This week I worked to increase the activity level in my days – without causing unnecessary or even necessary discomfort. I just wanted to find a way to move more, without, in all honesty, exercising more. Instead of sitting for hours on end while working, I made a point to get up and stretch every hour. While grocery shopping I parked in the middle of the lot. O.K., I know I could have gone further and parked that car in the last space, but at least a made a small change instead of circling for minutes to find a space next to the door. I played on the floor with my daughter. Took her to the nature park for a walk on the wooded trails and danced with her for minutes at a time.
Many of these things I do regularly, but this week felt like a shift. Because while I’m out of my regular exercise routine –though I intend too start up again Sunday, she says optimistically – I am becoming more conscious of all the ways I can build exercise and energy into my day. Acknowledging what I am doing well – instead of acknowledging the hours I spend on my couch watching what others are doing well in the Olympics – felt better than beating myself up over what I’m not doing. It also helped me become aware of how I am using my body and spending my time during the day. And with that I began to identify the other ways I can use my body.
Case in point: When I poured my daughter’s milk into her cereal this a.m., I also took a couple of extra seconds and did five bicep curls with each arm while holding the milk jug. OK, so the leche lifts won’t replace a regular strength-training workout, but it did make me laugh AND it certainly is a better workout than I get from lifting, oh say, the mug of Vienna Roast I drink every morning. Who knows, maybe I’ll try working my triceps when I open the green beans for dinner. Hmmm. I wonder how much a bottle of wine weighs?

Stuck in my head

Changes, say the experts, are best made on both a mental and physical level. You’ve got to change the way you think. Instead of focusing on how much you hate exercise, you begin to focus on your belief that exercise is good because of the benefits it brings. Then, while shifting your belief system, you must take action to make changes that stick. You’ve got to actually go out and do the exercise, you can’t simply think of it’s benefits. You’ve got to skip that slice of pizza, instead of thinking about skipping it. In other words, you’re not going to get healthier by thinking about eating less and exercising more – which is about where I am now. I believe that our physical reality is formed by the way we think. Often, in the best case, those beliefs then actually spur us into action. We believe we will be healthier, feel better live longer if we exercise and that belief becomes so important that it overrides our previous belief that exercise is Hell.
But right now, I’m stuck in my head. I’m doing the meditation, thinking about the changes I’ve made and others I want to make, journaling – taking care of my mental health. But I’m not following up with action. I know I should limit my pizza intake, but don’t. I have not exercised, because I don’t feel like it. The steps I took in the beginning, the combined mental/physical approach is now simply all in my mind. And, that’s not going to get me where I want to be. So this week, I’ll work on balancing that with action.

Headed for the long haul

Like most toddlers my daughter is a ball of energy and she can move in ways I lost years ago. She can squat so that her bottom is but a half inch off the ground and peer at an ant moving across the cement without ever losing her balance. She can roll off the couch until she’s hanging upside down, her back bent into an arch, her hands dancing in the air. Watching her reminds me of two things: 1. How a healthy body was built to be so efficient, and flowing and easy; and 2. How badly I need to get into shape. For her. For me. And to shore up and protect what little bit of this body I have left working for me. I’ve let my exercise routine go. I’ve got caught up in the activity of summer. And although, I’m hardly a couch potato, I need to get back into the exercise routine as a thank you to this battered body who keeps moving despite all its struggle. Stronger muscles do take the pressure off my weak joints and I feel better. And, I want to keep up with our daughter for a long time to come. So, now I’ll work toward longevity. I’m certainly not graceful, my creaking hips often rebel, but they can walk me around the neighborhood and the grocery store. I don’t move or twist or squat like my daughter, but I can chase her around the room and kneel down over the tub to give her a bath. So now I’ll use her strength and health as my motivation to keep going. To keep on doing the things that are good for me so that I’m creaking around for a long time to come.

Good time off

Just got back from vacation – a week in central Oregon and then a trip to Mt. Hood, the state’s highest peak and part of the stunning Cascade Mountains.

I feel great. Relaxed, ready to return to work, connected to my family and myself and if anything those good feelings are a reminder at how far, how exhausted, how stressed I can become without regular time off. Or time away. Or sleep. Or meditation. Or regular exercise. All those things rejuvenate the body and the spirit and it takes a combination of the two to foster good health. Once you’re feeling good it’s easier to maintain the changes you’re trying to make. Success breeds success. When I’m feeling good, I’m motivated to do the things that help me feel even better. But in the daily crush of deadlines and diapers, I can lose site of it all. Vacation restored my vision. And reminded me that regular time off – even a few minutes of silence a day – can have restorative benefits. Now, I’ve got to make time to do it.

Time for fun

I’m writing a story about the importance of play – about just having fun. Thing is, we are more likely to celebrate those who work all night, make big money, but rarely have fun than we are those that take time out to play. Should be just the opposite. Play stimulates our brains and our bodies. It improves our health. Leaves us feeling more optimistic and engaged in our lives. And physical movement is one of the triggers for play. I’m learning that even on those days when I don’t want to exercises, if I do it, if I just get up and move my innately playful qualities will begin to take over and my body and brain will respond in a way that is healthy and maybe even fun. Case in point: I was tired when I got up for my walk this a.m. My hip hurt the whole 30 minutes. I moved slowly. It was drudgery. But once I showered and poured a cup of coffee, I felt great. Relaxed, happy, light and lighthearted. Play has many earmarks – but it doesn’t always have to feel fun on the spot according to the experts. Sometimes it’s enough to be engaged in something working toward a higher goal, one that brings you satisfaction when you complete it. Practicing the piano isn’t always a kick, but playing well a year from now will be. Walking today was tough, but I’m more engaged and truly enjoying the other parts of my day, because I took that walk. One other thing, when I’m having fun, I hurt a whole lot less.

Guilt-free choices

I find myself being very aware, every minute, of what I’m eating and what it’s doing to me and it’s making me crazy. I had a bowl of ice cream last night and it tasted great, but even while I enjoyed it I was thinking, this isn’t good for me, this isn’t healthy. I never planned to go cold turkey. I’m not going to give up the foods I love. I just decided early on to smaller portions less often and I’ve stuck to that. And it’s worked. I’ve lost some weight and I’m definitely healthier than when I started making these changes in January. I’m also more conscientious. And more often than not, I’m making good food choices. But now I need to rid myself of the guilt when I decide to eat a bowl of ice cream. The experts say feeling bad can be a detriment to the changes you’re trying to make. Instead, they say, I am to acknowledge the choice – or setback, depending on how you look at it – be aware that it was my decision and then strive to make different decisions down the road. O.K. I can do that. I get to choose what to eat and how to think about it. That’s empowering. I am in control. So, I will eat ice cream when I feel like it. I will enjoy it and then I’ll choose to have oatmeal and skim milk for breakfast and celebrate the fact that my healthy efforts will not be derailed as long as I stay clear about what I want and what I’m doing to live a healthier life. Now, if I can just kiss the guilt goodbye.

Seasonal health

Warm weather, strawberries off the vine, fresh melon and snap peas, long, light-filled days. These things have made it a whole lot easier to be active and healthier this summer. I feel like I’ve come out of my winter hibernation and, though my exercise routine hasn’t changed much, my activity level has doubled. I’m up earlier, feel more energized. I wander the market, plant flowers, play at the park with my daughter, plan picnics. I’m eating less and more of the good stuff naturally, because it’s all available and fresh at area farms. During the dark days of winter, I find myself wanting to chew through pounds of macaroni noodles covered in cheese or fill up on other carbs. This year I’m particularly aware of the change in my mood, energy level and eating habits – probably because I’m writing this Blog. I'm thinking about it more. But with that awareness comes the understanding that I don’t want to just be seasonally healthy. I want to feel good year round. Guess, I need to get a little more creative during the winter months and find ways to be active. Try new foods and exercise routines. Now is the time to start thinking about it, right after I eat this strawberry.

Time to rest

Last weekend I had a blast. We traipsed around the farmer’s market, went golfing, planted flowers and played in the yard. Today my body crashed. I’ve not exercised today, nor have I missed it. Getting out of bed was a major accomplishment. I’ve also lifted and played with my two-year-old though I’ve become creative at finding quiet, low-impact things to do. Lots of drawing, play dough and reading. My body hurts and I’m tired and I knew I was headed for trouble even while I was picking sweet peas from the market bins. I overdid it and now I will pay. And you know what? It was worth it. I’ve long stopped feeling sorry for myself when I pay the price for doing what I want when I want. I spend much more time in a place of gratitude: I am so grateful, so fortunate that I can golf (though not well and I’m not above using the arthritis as an excuse for poor performance in this case) and that I can stroll along the market aisles and play with my kid. And while weeks like this one are tough, I know with some rest and time, I’ll be back. Sure, arthritis changes the way I do things and sometimes that means I can’t do all that I want. In those moments when my body requires me to be still and quiet – when I am forced to rest – I also have time to reflect on all that I do accomplish. So, while it takes away some things, arthritis has also given me others. In these mandatory cooling off periods, I finally slow down long enough to appreciate the things that sometimes go unnoticed. The days after my busy weekend have included a fair share of challenges and discomfort. Do I regret any moment of the fun or days following it? Nope.

Family affair

Now with the longer days, I’m spending more time outside with my husband and daughter. It’s become part of our routine to take a walk together after dinner and I find that that has become as good for my soul as my body. It seems that we talk (when I’m not huffing and puffing) easier as we move along. We use the time to connect after our busy day and to talk about plans for the future or parenting strategies. We push our daughter in the stroller and we always make a point to thank her for “exercising” with us and reminding her how good it feels to be outside with your body moving. Hopefully, instead of viewing exercise as drudgery, she’ll grow up thinking of it as part of her normal routine. For me, these family walks are a chance to exercise my body and strengthen my relationships by spending quality time with both of the people in my life. This is one change that benefits everybody.

Here comes the sun

The sun is out – finally – winter this year in Oregon has been darker and colder than usual. And that has affected my mood. I grew up here. I like the rainy winters that lead to the lush green landscapes. But this year, for the first time, it got to me a bit. With the appearance of the sun today, I feel cheerier and more energetic. With warmer weather, it will be more comfortable to walk around the neighborhood, play outside with my daughter and even have a picnic at the park. So my mood is better, my energy flowing and that is actually causing me to look forward to my exercise. Just shows what a ripple affect your thoughts can have. The only change is in the weather, yet I’m thinking brighter thoughts and feeling better. Now I need to work at creating and maintaining that feeling even when the clouds move back in.

Lots of Change

2008 has unpacked a great deal of surprise changes. I haven't been able to post for some time because of the changes. Tina, my wife, and I were in a serious car accident in early March. Unfortunately my psoriatic arthritis flared badly after the accident. My rheumatologist and I tried hand therapy, something new for me, to lessen the swelling and pain in my right hand. It was helpful, and I learned a great deal about pacing myself, using tools that reduce the strain on my finger and wrist joints, and how to identify when I've pushed my joints to the limit.

Now that my flare from the accident has mostly subsided, I'm giving my exercise routine a boost. I've started using our elliptical more regularly - about 20-30 minutes each night. I'm also taking a stand against the tempting foods in our fridge. To help me watch my weight, I've started using shopping lists and refusing to put unhealthy items on the list. So far this year I've noticed my desire to buy those items has decreased and sticking to the list has helped.

Gas prices have put a small damper on our traveling plans for the summer. Luckily we live only 5 minutes from a great state park! When it hasn't been raining, we've been enjoying some hikes and picnics at the park. My parents even gave us a season pass to the Indiana state parks. So now there's no excuse to not get outside and enjoy the summer.

A couple of unexpected changes are going on this year. Tina is pregnant with our first child, and we are overjoyed! Secondly, I was recently hired as a special education at a local school district. I will be spending my summer planning for these changes and hope for the best.