Another change...last entry

This is it, for now. My last entry. For ten months I’ve written about the changes, both physical and emotional, that I’ve faced in an attempt to amp up my life, become healthier in body and in spirit. And much has changed. Yet, I’m only a few pounds lighter. I’m in better shape, sure, but only up to a mile or two around the neighborhood. I do eat healthier. But truly, the most profound changes have come from the inside. My way of thinking, my way of feeling, is different. I’m more present. More aware of what I’m doing, and why. Less judgmental and more able to let go. I no longer feel as though I need to solve all of the problems of the world – though sometimes I still try. I simply feel more at peace with whatever comes my way. And that is a profound change that has fueled everything else in my life. Writing about all of these things, here, on this site, have helped me to make sense of all the changes I’ve experienced. It’s helped me to see where I started and where I want to go. And I know, that just because the blog is ending – another change – doesn’t mean my personal work will end. There is much I want to do and learn and changes will always be a part of life. Now, I know I can embrace them.

Conscious changes kicking in

Threw a Halloween party this weekend and noticed a couple of changes: I had no problem making a healthy, good tasting meal and I didn’t overeat.

You know, that uncomfortable feeling you get when you’ve snacked all day and filled up without even realizing it or took that second portion even when you weren’t hungry just for the taste of it? I cooked all day (yes, my body rebelled with severe pain and stiffness that forced me to rest all day Sunday, but it was worth it) Instead of nibbling my way through the preparations, I waited for dinner and then I ate the salad first and felt no need to over indulge on the pasta. I ate normal portion sizes, felt full and comfortable. But the biggest shift was in my head. It was only later that I realized this moderate style of eating has become the norm. I’ve made the change. I decided long ago to eat what I wanted but to include more healthy foods and smaller portions in my diet. Now, I realize I’ve met that goal and it’s becoming second nature rather than work. The change is finally becoming the norm and that is a powerful feeling.

Learning to let go

Feeling slow this week. Lots of little stresses have surfaced. Need a new roof, still waiting on lab results from the mole. Husband dealing with challenges and work and I’m feeling like nothing has come easy. I’m out of the flow. And, true to my nature, I’m trying to control the Universe instead of learning the lesson and letting go. The more stressed life gets, the more I attempt to micro-manage my household and the daily tasks. I become more controlling and feisty at home – not good for the relationship. I have a hard time focusing on work and generally, I’m tense and even a little scared. "If you don't handle it all," my mind tells me, "the world will fall apart." And I buy into that false mantra and busy myself with things that don't need taking care of. And the stress I feel definitely amps up the arthritis with pain and fatigue. But, this isn't working for me anymore, so now I'm learning to surrender to the circumstance. I’ve become more mindful. I’ve meditated. I’ve taken care of the things I can influence and given up the others – like when is that darn doctor going to call – and today I’m feeling energized and back in rhythm despite pushing a stroller around the zoo all day yesterday (a task that would usually leave me stiff and hurting). I'm learning.

Heading for a check up

In 13 minutes I will get in my Mazda and drive across town to my dermatologist. There, she will spend an hour scouring every inch of my skin, scrutinizing every mole, every age spot. She’s checking for cancer. Last year, two moles, turned bad. Though they were only a few millimeters thick, it was enough to worry doctors. They cut the moles out. Then, they cut into my groin and pulled out a couple of lymph nodes for testing. I waited 10 days before finding out the lymph nodes were free from cancer. The cancer had not spread. I’m o.k. and more than willing now, to go let someone work over my skin to insure my good health. It was an interesting time – scary sure – but it also prompted me to look at my body in a whole new way. The arthritis has ravaged it, but to be honest, I rarely think about it. The RA is something I know. It’s something I’ve learned to manage. It won’t kill me and though it hampers some of my activities, it never stops me. To have something growing in me that could turn deadly made it hard to breathe some days. Now, I look at the scars along my knee with gratitude. They got the melanoma, and I got a chance to make better, healthier choices